Call me Chandrika, as I prefer to be known by my femme name. I am 48 now and still consider myself beautiful in my heart, mind and body. Every word of what you read here is the absolute truth. I have only myself to vouch for its authenticity and honesty.
Nothing of what you read here is a fantasy written only to spice up this story. I will break my life’s adventures into episodes to keep them short and interesting. But I promise not to drag this on like a daily soap on television. So here goes.
So who is Chandrika? Obviously, it’s me, and no marks for guessing that. But how did Chandrika come to life?
It was 1986. I was of an age where boys get naughty and discover that there is so much pleasure the body could offer. When you do, you spend a whole lot of time trying to hide away in some corner, pleasuring yourself. Every normal boy, teen, an adult has gone through this.
Such pleasures were fueled by limited imagination and fantasies of voluptuous bikini-clad women and the stray kissing scenes in some Hollywood movies. Imagine then you come across something that takes your imagination to a whole new level, previously unexplored.
As if the mind was on a cocktail of drugs and steroids. The self-pleasuring gets more erotic and enjoyable. Suddenly you realize that the mind is indeed a fascinating factory manufacturing these sexual fantasies.
I went through this ‘discovery’ myself. The memory of that discovery is as fresh as if it happened just yesterday. Both my parents were Central Government employees. Transfers were a very normal part of their job. I have therefore had the privilege of travelling and living in some beautiful places in India.
I am a native of Kerala but was born in Aamchi Mumbai and raised across this beautiful country. In one such transfer, my parents had to move from Mumbai to Tarapur. It was a difficult decision since Tarapur isn’t that far but also not close enough to commute daily.
My parents felt that continuity of education was critical. Being a Mumbaikar, we had a permanent address here. So all that was needed was to make arrangements for me to be looked after. Through her contacts, Mom arranged for a caretaker, Maniamma.
She would come over in the evening, clean the place, cook food, stay the night, prepare breakfast the next morning and then leave. She was an awesome lady. If I have managed to achieve anything in life, she would also be one of the reasons why.
I would be back home by 2 PM every day, have lunch, finish my assignments. I ould be all alone till Maniamma comes home at around 7:30 PM. That’s close to 6 hours of ‘me, time. At an age when the hormones are kicking in, those 6 hours could be ‘special.’
The planets had aligned, and all it needed was that moment of discovery, and it happened. Being alone in the afternoon can be boring, especially when you don’t have Youtube or Whatsapp. For men and women of my generation, a VCR was the greatest source of entertainment.
We would spend hours watching pirated versions of Indian and Hollywood flicks. On one such boring afternoon in 1987, I decided to watch a movie on the VCR. I asked my friend if he had any movie cassettes to share. He had a couple of Westerns and some Hindi movies.
I decided to get them over to watch. I had already watched the Westerns before and so wasn’t interested. Amongst them was ‘Utsav,’ a movie which starred Rekha in the lead role. The cassette cover was quite erotic. I thought, “Why not?”
So after lunch, I got on to watching Utsav, expecting it to be another one of those period movies. I was hoping to watch some scantily clad women with big breasts providing with enough material for my self-pleasuring activities.
But I was the least prepared to see something that would completely turn my life upside down. The Sultry Seductress Rekha enters the scene. That sensuous Amrapali dress further accentuated her unreal curves. Her beautiful breasts are exposed just enough to excite any man or woman.
Her exposed shoulders with her open hair all over and her navel just above her ‘kashta’ was enough to make men go to war for her. It was something I had never imagined or thought would affect me in the ways it did. That moment of discovery was as if a new door had opened in my mind.
More than sex, I was thinking about sexuality. I couldn’t imagine then that a woman’s body could be so magical and mysteriously scintillating as Rekha’s. My brain had acquired a new capability to imagine beyond what I was constrained to until then.
I began to wonder how it would feel to be Rekha, living in her body, walking around like she was in the movie. Her body was oozing sex and driving men crazy. I was craving to know how she felt when she dressed that way.
When Shekhar Suman touched and kissed her all over, did she lose control of her mind and body? Was she thinking that this should never end? My mind was distracted and desperate to know how it would feel to be Rekha. Little did I realize that the hormones in my body were playing it all up.
I would rewind the scenes and watch them again and again in absolute awe. So much so I got myself a copy of that tape made the very next day. That night I decided that I should try dressing up like Rekha. Luckily for me, my Mom’s closet was full of her sarees and inner wears.
I couldn’t keep my focus in class and played the scenes out in my mind. I was already planning the afternoon dressing session and what I would want to do after dressing. Just as I got home, the first thing I did was open my Mom’s closet and search for a saree that I could try.
I admit I have quite an inventive mind, and creativity was never a challenge. I watched the movie again to find the right scene to pause and learn how she had worn her dress. I was quick to realize that this was not something that could be worn out of one saree but may need more.
And then it struck me. I am a Malayalee, and my Mom’s closet had many traditional Kerala sarees. A two-piece Kerala set mundu was the perfect option for the Amrapali dress look. Now the difficult part – dressing up.
That afternoon was lost entirely trying to wear a ‘kashta.’ So were many more afternoons that week and the next. Finally, after a bit of creative ‘jugaad’, I figured out that the ‘kashta’ required a longer saree. After close to 6 days of sincere and dedicated effort, I finally got it right.
Now onto the next challenge – the blouse? I had already spent a week on the kashta. I wasn’t in any mood to waste more on getting the blouse right. The easy fix was to wear my Mom’s bra. I did wear one of my Mom’s bras and stuffed the cups with small pieces of cloth like a towel or handkerchief.
I stood in front of the mirror. Boy, was I impressed with what I saw in the mirror? The ‘woman’ in the mirror was a far cry from Rekha but was impressive for a first attempt. Quite honestly, though, it was nice. I felt it lacked something.
Something that I could feel but not visualize in my mind. To be brutal, I thought it was a thorough waste of time. I went back to self-pleasuring myself watching Rekha rather than dressing like her.
That one failed attempt was enough for me to give up on the idea of dressing up. Now I was back to being the normal boy with his hormones on overdrive.
Then came the Mahabharat on Doordarshan, and Roopa Ganguly turned the heat back on. There was something about that dress. Something turned me on when I watched Rekha and Roopa. But it failed to excite me when I tried the same dress on like them.
Something was missing, and that something was ticking me off. So here I was dying to get into Rekha’s body and feel her. That missing piece was getting to me, and Roopa wasn’t helping either.
One Sunday, as I watched the Mahabharata, something caught my eye. It was a shot of Roopa Ganguly from behind. I noticed the blouse. I was immediately drawn to it, and something hit me like a lightning bolt. The blouse was tied at the back and not hooked like a bra. The blouse knot had a loop and fall.
That, to me, was the Eureka moment. I thought I had figured out the missing piece. Most weeks, my parents would come home on a Friday and leave on Sunday evening. But this discovery was something I wanted to try now, and I was getting impatient.
I wished that my parents had left immediately. The wait for them to leave was impossible to bear. I could feel Rekha enticing me all over again. Finally, it was Monday afternoon, and I was ready. The set mundu came to the rescue again. This time I got the kashta right on the first try.
The second piece of the set mundu, I wore it like a blouse. I tied the blouse at the back just as I had seen on TV with a loop and a fall. The moment the loop and fall of the blouse touched my back that slight tickle of the fall sent an inexplicable sensation down my spine.
It was an energy wave that I could feel in my legs. As I saw myself in the mirror, I could see Rekha right there. My buttocks stood out and were made prominent by the kashta. My blouse exposed my shoulders and my bare arms.
My tummy was all exposed, and that throbbing feeling in my spine and in between my legs. As I touched my body, I felt that Shekhar Suman was touching me, an extremely brilliant moment for me. The transformation was complete, and I was Rekha!
I kept staring at myself and couldn’t take my eyes off me. I was searching for somebody to tell me that I was beautiful. I walked out to the balcony and opened the sliding glass windows hoping that somebody would see me. But I quickly realized the stupidity of that thought.
My mind was playing its wicked games on me. Honestly, I just loved it. That whole afternoon I remained dressed and kept admiring myself. The blouse fall was caressing me and teasing me with its light tingles.
All that was left to do was feel like Rekha, feel the same pleasures as she would. I switched on the VCR and searched for her sex scenes with Shekhar Suman. As I watched them repeatedly, I was in my world. Then it dawned on me that I wasn’t watching the scene on TV, but I was playing the scenes in my mind.
I had subconsciously taken Rekhas place and was making love to Shekhar in my mind. The same scenes played on and on as I lay on the bed, feeling my own body. Then as I turned on my belly, my legs parted, and my hands spread to grip the bed covers.
My mind was on sexual overdrive and was already building further on the scenes in my head. It was already beyond the touchy-feely stage. I had gone further on the road to intercourse. Trust me, Shekhar was not sparing any effort to take me higher.
Little did I realize that I was stroking myself on the bed, hands-free, as I had Shekhar entering me and pushing me through. All this while the VCR was still on and me on my trip. A few fantasy strokes later from Shekhar and deep kissing in the mouth.
I could feel a million-volt passing through my spine and out through my pleasure organ. I was wet all over and dry in my mouth. Unbelievable, inexplicable and never before experienced! Ye Dil Maange More!
Having elevated to the next level in sexual pleasuring, I had sessions frequently. Shekhar Suman, Shashi Kapoor and then the one and only Kabir Bedi would de-flower me every afternoon. The Rekha in me was having the time of her life.
As I perfected the sensual arts, I soon replaced Rekha with Zeenat Aman, Sridevi and some south Indian beauties. I needed to give me a new name, which was associated with it – and Chandrika it was! Chandrika was my Maths teacher in the school and an object of my fantasies. Chandrika was born.
In all this, it occurred to me that Chandrika and Rekha, who were the objects of my masculine sexual fantasies, were slowly displaced. I had taken their place as Rekha and Chandrika in a very feminine sexual fantasy. I was the object of someone else’s masculine fantasy, a complete turn of sexual preference and sexuality.
I wasn’t complaining. In fact, I loved it. Truth be told, I was confused and thought it was normal to have feminine sexual fantasies about men.
The transformation to Chandrika, thanks to Rekha (and Roopa), was the first of many events to follow. I will share those experiences when I find the time to pen them down. As I mentioned in my opening, every word written here is true and not a figment of my fantasy.
I hope you enjoy reading this gay sex story of a new world experience. Until next time, take care. We still have a pandemic. Please do post your feedback to [email protected]’ I would love to hear your comments.